Ned Notes



Dictionary Dreams: My Published Poetry

My published poetry has been collected in Glossolalia: Speaking in Tongues, published in 2009. The book can be purchased on Amazon.com or directly from Orchard House Press.

Most of these poems have appeared in print publications, ranging from Mid-American Review to TWIG to Bellingham Review, The Stand, and many other publications. These works are reserved by copyright and may not be re-printed without the author's permission.

Early reviews have been very generous:

"An inspiring collection of work for those who find succor in the wildness of words or the wilderness of the Pacific Northwest. Glossolalia is an invigorating book of unconventional poetry--worthy of note. -- Nicholas Hallum, editor of Poetry in Place: The Pacific Northwest in Prose and Poems

Like the best works of 19th century poetry, this 21st century first book of poems from Ned Hayes is full of mythic references. Glossolalia is a book that is by turns charming, frustrating, brutal and spiritual. This insightful work will intrigue and enthrall most every reader. Recommended. -- Steelhead Reviews


The majority of the poems in the book can also be found posted below:


transfiguration.                                                                      


White men's bodies turn green under the billows of the sea


I have been told so; when the young are dragged from the tide


their lips have melted into a delicate slash of emerald.


Black bodies turn blue in the brine


none of the longshoremen here notice, for there are too many dead;


in Jamaica or Barbados it is rarer.   There, the heavy pictish tinge


is obvious -- their friends, dark and strangely indigo, found


among the flood of tourist caucasian suicides.


There is a color women's bodies turn


the change is as oblique as the departure of the soul


when our flesh takes on the scent of waves, our skin tone melds away.


But no one has ever noticed the change of shade; these corpses often float for years.


then, sometimes, they return to shore, marry, take up jobs or clean


house, have children, laugh and talk.  I am walking


around still, tasting of ocean, undetected. 




the dead shall rise.


 


 


dug myself out of the tide


spattered coastline,


 


down here, where the oyster


shells


hinge themselves


open and close,


                        open and close.


 


a tingling pulse comes,


under


the throb of the sea's vast flesh


 


it calls me


and I know


now


it is hard


to come into living


again


after years


covered in barnacle waves


 


I took the deep into me


melted self into sea


 


yet now,


            to be born  ?



advice.                           (To a writer:   remember, some old boats never sail.)


rough ideas rest


old leaves on the dock


of a harmless sailing


port. They sift into mulch


where, sometimes, if


fortunate, staggering after dark


in the champagne dusk, your


trailing fingers leave a seed


where mizzen mast grows: 


sister of basil, or sage, but


hard to find the dish to


flavor. if sprinkled, the threads


are strong, intoxicating. Too


confused a taste for some. Don't


touch the rough wood dock then;


even glances tend to wilt the leaves,


somehow. You wouldn't think it would


    and conversation shivers the curved


tendrils of growth to pieces; you might


be left with ragged fibers, if you're young.


It takes another night like the time your


lover stroked you to tumescence on the


kitchen table and you had to leave for


Sunday School luncheon. Or a morning


time of gasp, looking through timbers of a


dead dock for lost keys, in a rush, when you have


nearly forgotten the mizzen. Then the bowsprit.


Almost unnoticeable; if your eyes are empty


the spar will never keen the shrill soft sound


holding tight in a moment when


you may least afford it. But it must be noticed.


And the silent keys may not want finding, so


why not? I won't tell any signs. Omens maybe.


wind might be kissing you. The air could be


from Guadeloupe, so sweet it is close to


rotten. Do elderly Spanish senóras brew it,


feeding the pot with holy water and something


ineffable? Or does a small girl wearing a red


shift with blue hat, discover its taste on her finger,


and wonder where it fell from?  sometimes


there is not the air. There is nothing; a spoken caress.


For a long time, you are Rachel gleaning a long


hill clean with broken fingertips.  The mind


is fleeting, as old love's memoried lips. No one has


a better hand than no one here and dust settles through


closed rooms, days on days.  No one sails any


more. It is too hot. The sun beats, a sullen


heart and you have forgotten the weight of being


pregnant. All this will not hold you back. You


will leave the high heels like two dead pipers


rigor mortis in the sand, spikes upward, because


the sea is washing and stroking a hull,  your


boat, slim and beautiful, waiting. The virgin wood has


rarely any hold on land: its roots were flowers, or had I


forgot to sing you that? Over the curve of sail and


keel, drifted blossoms paint leftover sunset, gold, blush


and azure: a wisk of champagne. The only stipulation is


leave then.  Catch the childish wind off of El Nino


and may the gods bless your yellow heels left behind.




birth bed.                                                                     (for Jill)


 


hand trails out of surf,


twitching, grasping, sucking sand


down around the trembling


                      flesh, into my hole,


 


gaping


wet mouth


of a grave, a womb


in the sandcastle land.

 


i am safe here,  whisper now,


through razorback lips


 


coral has formed me


made sea-urchin havens


 


down between hipbones


a starfish rests


contracting in stillness


again and again


 


tasting blood


in the particled water


 


la mere swallowed me


there is nothing in her that is


not part of me now...


 


she is a sea anemone writhing


with color, about to wrest life


from this tide.



 


wording.

 

The slow settling of a house with someone else’s dried bits of

Memory still inside. Life eating itself is what they said of my

Cancer. It seems my cells found their own lives so much more

Interesting than mine. Even as I breathe, as I speak, they turned

 

Away, watching their own patterns grow. Now your mouth moves

The riffs and swells echoing, rocks in the current above my

Grave, an underwater blur. The lick and plunge of words become

A physical act without a touch, something created between us.

 

Your laving coolness covers the sounds of clocks ticking, plants

Moving, even my cells growing. The languorous notes waver in light,

Leeching cold stinging labials into my ears, forming something

Eternal from the raw tongue, palette, epiglottis, the virgin air flowing

 

Warm as blood. You are attempting an exorcism of flesh, a bruising

Invocation, a baptism in dialogue, drowning me in harsh fricatives

And vowels, a falling to risk, to best anything doctors may give. For it is

Dangerous cutting throat into voice, suckling breath; we know nothing

 

Except what has been given us by the past. A life is dissolved in every

Sound we utter, and we speak the history of those who forced meaning

From animal thought formless and void. We make a river from the past,

Mouthing here the sounds of those unremembered, except where the soul

 

Beats. I close my eyes and know their thought in mine, the metastasizing

Of one self into other. Together, we taste my undead breath, thrashing my 

Soul’s blood into a froth of meaning, covering the tide with a foam of letters,
Making every moment in this river count for more than this syllable, this stroke.





later.                                                                                                   
 
        (after
Robert Bly)


I have enjoyed


writing, at a desk


all day long.


later, a friend and I


go for a walk


to see who


can leave


   the most


behind


but we sail only under


the white blossoms


on the trees


and a pale moon that lurks


in the day sky.


gone too far


we turn


and cut across the wind


for home.




The Conversation.                                                      


When that demon had brought me to a place of knowing


That I had only the surge and ebb of lust, the hollow need for


Others to fill me, those things none escape. ‘The truth,’ she told


‘That you live between absence and loss, and strive to know less.’


Corrugated rainwater steaming on the alligator backs of streets,


Leaping statues from mist and moonlight sifting in, comfort


And laughter in a dog's face, petals on cold boughs. Twisted


Shapes holding memories in concert, loud lies to efface death.’


To see in such a frozen scrim some icy substance, revelations in


Whispers of blasphemy left behind in the frost. I surfaced in that


Phoenix of a dawn, knowing the glorious throes of daylight, and


Slept, taking comfort through a world small enough to hold.


We look for such an end in time of great fragility. And in the


Crush of soldiers dying I found again such truth: a cake, new


Boots, old soap, things merely to hold, not great or less by


Knowing, of nothing a sign. Her words echo still, even as the


Large movements of my wants are crashing, bludgeoning


Unseen, like some dark beast through empty rooms below,


Marking the unreal, the shades of things; metaphor and lies,


Not touch or taste or even that most fleeting, remembrance. 


Now I stand away, keeping things apart, keeping the small things,


Those mundanities; the shoes and clocks, mops and pails;


Undistinguished. I do not need them filled, imbued with


Fiction and with prophecy. One must have the grace to step aside,


To turn away from fate. Now these make my life distinct: the sound of


Snails, the twist of real thread, a taste of basil. An intricate curl


In vines becomes exact.  A rasping of tires and the fibrous strength


Of wood; the movements of a whippoorwill, the turn of key in lock.





places.


places i have been with my hands


that i would not take


a body, and places dredged


so full in violation or ecstasy


that consciousness would break


the surface


with this curling symmetry


of letter i have turned to dive


dry, into root-torn ruins


plumbed depths of hunger, searched


for my own hopeful anger and


lost all that my knowledge knows


there are limits to such exploration


only words enable the craft, and


always the boatstream loses way,


evaporating when i feel the sharp shallow


tinge of edges and mystery; then i am


marooned on dusty land, tongue


drawn up, a crow's parched wing


to the top of my mouth where


the teeth tighten.  i want more:


a feast of syllables to explain


these things, the places my hands


have gone to, of their own accord.




For Orpheus, returning.                                                                                            



                                                     


There's wheat where he's dead walking


My grandfather, solid as dust or mist billowing up


Over the shimmering grain, lingering heavy


As evening over the empty Dakota sand hills


He's looking for something: the dead always are


 


Called out by this dream, he drifted to the old farm


Over the dropping dusk.  He waits, as the field furrows


Lengthen into rifts of shadow and dim lustre.


 


Watching him linger in the depths of my sleep, I think


The stories were true, that some soul might sink down into ice


Singing so that the song, breaking through our chests, out


Our mouths, brings to light all the oceans


We've swallowed, silted thick and dark


 


For in the dark times there will also be singing


A wind of singing that slices out between the stars


Carving passages for us to follow after the last noise


The last breath, the last story (but one)


 


O, you who brought the dead up singing,


You who swept the rivers into flooding sound


Lovely lying story, O you, clutching a trembling


Dying lyre as the trees fainted down living around.


 


After a scatology of fallen lover's names, you come


To where we are adorning and perfuming a city


Of corpses for a stinking second-hand grave


 


There are so few who really die any more


We pass from numbness to unconsciousness with as


Little change as the wink of some forgotten eye.


 


Yet you come, you, a story, a remembered idol


Only true


 


Why have you sung, and what passions shall


The living depart to listen to you?  What tears can


Remain in a place of flickering shadow and shade?


 


Unremembered, something told to me in dreams


Echoes back with a sound like wings on sand.


 


For I've found you alone, long sunken in silence


Brushing your withered lips against the throat


Of a harp, loosing these notes to spill out


Stories, old as the sea itself, and young, fresh as


The boy's body crouched tight in the deer-copse


Lodged here against stones and beech saplings, drifting,


Brush branches wrapped thick as fingers around him,


Too young to know how he moved slow on broken bones


Like salmon towards a dry river run,


Or why there are not more faces beside him


 


In the dawn, where he waits for the deep still woods to stir


Waits among the desolate dead, waits for the singing to rise.


 


There are a few souls dragged crazy across the years


The rest have dripped away,


            water through our fingers


 


Children: the bleak earth's brightest


            the first to perish


               the last to drown in time


      and first to be bound back to life


when the notes trickle through the trees


Notes that no one hears now


But washers of feet and wording children


     and shuddering fools like you


 


The badlands are creased like old flesh where your ghost wanders,


Stealing into the silence where walls hold no paintings anymore


No Quetozacaotal to inspire, no Michael gripping Satan's hair.


In this time, the revelled whisper of a voice stirs


The choke of a swallow catching in the mouth,


  Leaving a scent on the


                        tips of the blades


                               of our tongues


         Burning like cinnamon


Bitter as the peel of an orange


The low quick tones echo across the sky


            Lips fluttering out a spray of notes


               Frantic as gusts on the white leaves


      Of water in the harbor of night.




 




river.


white frost an inch thick on our morning dock:


two feet above the winter water.


deep in mounting fog, one hears the nestling ducks,


an echo of reeds in tide, ever rising.


sound sinks away with the watery air at dusk.


cool fire licks the mist, this silent whispering wick.


across seas, many fingers set the death-boats


floating down the Yangtze


flaming and winking for the souls of my ancestors.





after the viewing.                                                                                     
       


Snow touches each house with

the blankness of ash

 


Each building


isolated

in the eddies and the rushing flow 


that strike and glance here,

there,


indiscriminate, leaving us behind.


We cannot hold a

soul long


before we must give it away;

the weight of it bends us,


breaks us.


Yet we keep wanting more,


         even as we give it away,


departing before we have arrived.


In winter, the trees

in this town


appear one by one along the silent streets,

each branch crowned with frozen air.


The oaks and birches have abandoned leaves,

and broken out, budded,


in a shock of white. 



 


Elegy, for Doug Dykstra                                                         (
died October 1989, Alaska, age fourteen)


 

Like woken beasts we staggered awkward through the cemetery snow     You might have

cried, the strain showing in your cheekbones and big eyes, when we prayed over your mother,

but then you might have watched the ropes lowering the first coffin and wondered

 

The right side of yours was heavier; I faltered lifting the wooden weight

Had you piled gold pirate coins as loot under the lid, or chosen secret

stones to hide there, stolen from Matanuska salmon runs?     Maybe the

good shoes were too tight or the boy scout medals superfluous and you had

laid them against the side to wait till you could get out and test the snow with

bare feet      I think you took a perverse pleasure in the box slipping, one corner

on the rope, while we stood there, sweating and pulling, our feet cold in the

sludge and frosted loam      But all you wanted was to be down, like the time you

jumped from the Slackmeyer's Big Pine and broke your little toe, in spite of the ladder

 

You were looking up at the circle of faces, shouting "yes, yes" when the clods of earth

were finally tossed to fall wet and dark and wonderful dirt against the snow, covering

two white boxes in moist loose earth     You love the smell of roots and wild things underneath

the ground unfrozen now many months later, and you are cupping the wriggling earthworms

and the curious beetles in your hand and hoping they will try to escape  (you can catch

them then)      You're exploring the light cool dirt and whistling the sap into the grass blades

and struggling flowers and -- never before done by a boy -- climbing pine trees from the inside

 

Nothing good is quiet in the spring and you are listening to the brambles and stretching out to

hold the rustle of thistles that can sting a dog's nose     The smell of full fresh underground is

rich, like that old mine shaft we found at Keewatin or the dug-out with the log ceiling where you

slept alone all summer while we were inside the house     You'd walk in covered with dew and pine

needles in the morning      And I still expect you to come in and tell your sister "look what I found

while I was buried!" and hold up yellow knucklebones all on a string with an old watch

still ticking, your treasure, like gold unearthed in a wood box as the pirate lights dim out.

 





praying with one eye open.                                                                 
(after
Mark Strand)


 


 


through dark windows,


the clouds move like


one thinks a bird


might, old ghost


caught by light,


scattered feathers


fractured


snow.


on this morning, Pentecost,


tremors of brass


burst the air


yet my eyes


are closed, I am


still


as the Christ


who sleeps on crosses


everywhere, that


dead thing now


and ever. 

 

yet

does some flame still

lip this shore,

rousing

 

all the mingled mass

of tongues

 

and what wind unscented

by decay

licks through this space?

 

what fires flit still

over us

 

sleeping and waking

enthralled by a divine demon

unto grace?






fall away. 


i.


I lose myself every autumn


and it takes me all the long months


between, scrambling and scraping


in the crusted frost and drifted misplaced leaves


to try and regain some of what was left behind


in that headlong rush towards height and danger,


endurance, oblivion and our last desired movement


before winter.  there is a moment, in awful fire,


when all the sensitive points on our nerves


are seared away, and pain ceases.  moments,


dim seconds to the rush of death.  and in that


compressed time, there is the greater rush of desire.


even in that last fatal moment, beyond all sense


there is the wanting to do forever what we had


last hoped to do on earth.  burned to death,


young men fall and rise and step, and fall again. 


losing all of what they had, shard by burning shard


until the only life that remains is that wind of desire.


ii.


more than a little of me is lost each winter


and less returns every spring


autumn is my time, for I come into it


saited, complete, everything that was the year


stuffed into my maw, my eyes full and open,


knowing I have in me something strong enough to be killed.


in the fall, I come with some part of me to die. 


it is reassuring knowing that the season and I


will fight this battle, and that I will always lose


not really knowing who I may be, or what strength has


passed from my self in the bed of winter, until it is all


over, and I can remember that last violent spasm


of some birthing angel wrenching my hip with a curse. 



iii.


 


the still-born months pass out


and I can begin to gather those scattered pieces


that were a self, again. 


 


it takes time, this gathering of the burst fragments,


flung wide, like mortar shells that don't want to be found.


I hate seeing the hills grow green and more green through


the warming days, the cruel Aprils, the growing March.


the fecundity of it all is choking while I am still


putting shards together, unable or unwilling to place


my own roots, thinking there must be


something more inside this half-made absent form,


 


something lost in the mist of the fall before,


hidden in the crevices of vanished glaciers and


cool water that has suddenly been eaten by roots


and must be dug out, exhumed like bones that grow


into a graveyard oak tree.  It is a hard struggling, this


 


wrestle for something that is always over the extra edge


in a place I can't really know but in shadows and dreams.


 


finally, I am satisfied with the dream of who I am,


with the self I have pieced from that which was killed and broken,


comfortable with this new stranger I must grow to love.


He becomes familar, this solidifying ghost, a person who was not,


and is no longer cleansed away by any penetrating snows.


 


iv.


 


in such comfort, the days lengthen and give me time to


find.  solstices have come and gone, so that I can feel the


knowledge of my phoenix-self wax and grow.  but the sounds


 


change, so that I begin to fear the beauties of fire and ice.


it becomes harder to hold strands together, harder to


weave the figure I want across the long loom of hours. 


 


in these slow dusks, the knowledge plunges into me


that the dun light of this season means my self soon


will shiver to a moon's faint sliver and shatter endlessly


in consuming flame, like the stars that spread


bright, hard and hidden as crystal, ungraspable, across


a late autumn sky, in the first days of winter.   





time.


I shall lick out the corners of you


savor the residue you leave behind


listen with my eyes closed in the half-light


for the rustle and scrape of your passing


and open them to find hours, days, centuries


sucked out by you, insatiable, to the marrow


you're a scent traced with fingers in the night dust


squeezed tight, and thrust into this hot flesh, until


we are swimming out into something untouchable


time, sweet will your way, brought gasping up by a God who


filled the empty vastness with the movement of your breath:


the lazy long moments, and the shortest years


the quick flitting milli-seconds, and the oldest split


gazes into eyes I'd thought I'd seen a thousand times


I can't find the verge of your skin, sensuous and smooth


one hour carrying the seed of another, birthing ever


you take away even as you give, circling your wings


I have seen you in the lights going off in houses


at twilight, the metronome ticking, slowly


the world decaying a little with each stroke


look at you, sharpening the point of a moment


shards of mortality littering the space in-


discriminate, loving all, the only way you can


yet there is the violence in the way you set


angels dancing through a single cool second,


whirling it around till it spins and flames.


taking you, I shall lick out the crevices


find the angles of grace you've hidden


wash them all away, and leave you


begging to return that something you


found whole on the sixth day, and never


let go of, beautiful liar, young time.




signs & abominations.                                    (a liturgy for the Goddess of Change)


the knowledge first, this never fails when the teeth grow rot and the head


numb with the cloudy forms of diseases named for English old men


themselves who grew sick and died, victims in that most palpable of plagues


the calcification of arteries and cognition,


the slow and infesting accumulation of age itself


yes, some things do not alter in time: not the lilting cry


of the passenger pigeon, long-flighted, passing always along


the new-broke borders of the sign of change, of irrevocation


the constellations do not wane, those distant shapes that began all


by tearing apart and lunge still outwards at a desperate speed


vast, unthinking into a sea of darkness, silence.


and thought itself, ideas and the symbols we place


on things: these bear no touch of night, decay and age


there is no dissonance in the crucifixion on a killer's breast,


brides wearing white the day the labor breaks their water;


fingers boiling, burning off as freedom's capsules fall,


love for children on a statesman's brow


none of this can alter while we watch on,


flickers in the dimming fire.


 


sacrament


If I am to fall in love


With the world, despite time


Despite each holocaust, despite


Every child who starves with a plea


In their eyes, despite every


Faltering pulse, despite every


Unanswered prayer


I must love each moment


I’m denied love, each slow turn


In which I draw nearer to death


If I am to fall in love with the world


I must be willing to love


Every spot and tear in the fabric


Every wind that shakes my door


For the world would not be whole


Without my love, and without


These agonies, without the knots


And rips that take the breath from my lungs


I must love what gives me strength


What makes me less than whole


For only then am I part of this world


This stained and spotted sacrifice


Bloody, and tattered and full of glory


I must learn to love


What gives me weight in the stream


Of this life


I know I move


sometimes for joy and


sometimes for terror, yet


If I am to fall in love


With the world, it must be


In spite of my fear


Or because of it:


With all my fear held out


In my hands, like my soul


At the moment of a kiss


Dragged out from the places


I have hidden it, where it is


Small and unnamable


If I am to fall in love with the world


I must be willing to name it


To name every particle of being


Every second of existence, every grain


That I trod upon, every tree that touches


My life, name them all like a fountain


Allowing each name to spill over


Into the water of time, leaving a scent


Something ineffable, sweet, that


Rushes away before I can hold it


And I must be willing to fall


Thus, my own self


Into the water





to my old house: a home in april                                           
(for
Vic Bobb)


"it shall be you," whisper


when the smallest sprouts


show there is no death


in my frozen earth


"it shall be you."


not forgotten are the blue noses


of the carpenters,


how they scouted at my greenness --


planting roots in the cruel month


building haphazard on my memory


tracking mire with boots,


bricks cracked, boards warped,


wiring shriveled and rusting


like old lilac bulbs.


"it shall be you:" what


may be won from a


hard season?





where the freeways run you home.                                         
(from  a story for C & T)


She woke in Los Angeles to the sunlight and the airy sound of the birds


in the trees below them.  Years later, she would remember this.


On foggy mornings, she and he were floating from the light and the city,


the sounds of the birds in the jacaranda trees carrying them away.


The skyline and the trees emerged, distinct and unreal, shapes in a dream, and she returned to bed and trailed her fingers along his back until he awoke.


She did not always recall the love-making, even after their first child


was conceived from such a time, but she remembered always the birds.


At a tourist antique shop on Sunset Strip she bought postcards:   1950s


pictures of early skyscrapers etched like stencils above an earthbound town.


She would have been lost in that place where swimmers poised demurely, startled against the backdrop of a brand-new, elegant Santa Monica Pier.


At night, she linked their small intimacies to the taste of sea-salt, and the lights that spread out at dusk, phosphorous on an endless concrete wave.


In late afternoon, the rush of cars promised her everything beyond all bounds and she gasped in the blue of summer sky, silted with fine white and gray ash.


Slowing once, she glimpsed one house in a circle of porchlight, hanging static among the many for less than a moment, a tricycle caught like a minature.


How real it was!  how much the lives of the people living there could mean!


there was a sinking inside her that had the harsh taste of despair. 


They still wrestled together then, as if to prove something to each other


and she did not know her despair would take a long time to pass. 


She stood in the morning, under the water, and closed her eyes, thinking she could not get rid of him, and watched cars move past the mouth of a tunnel underwater. 


Late at night, she heard him stir in the warm space left by her absence on the bed.


In darkness, waves of slow rain rushed near her, passed, and returned.


At full light the pigeons appeared from apartments blocks away, specks


in the eye of the gray dawn, circling in their myriad dozens towards her


swooping suddenly above her head in a rush of shadows, out of the deluge.




 




when did you last come here


when did you last come

here, to the minute battles


that reverberate down the

days and months


the ties that bind to breaking.

when last, except in dreams


half-waking, holding, hitting

in that close embrace. 


I was hostage in an open field,

four around me, no escape


no weapons, yet I would

die in this similitude place


and cried out in my sleep

waking my wife, waking all


asking when last did you come

with me to this tight


closed place, a linkage of

sorrows?  in the heart


there are more lies

than any truth


those we cannot see, undeniable

unwilled to know.  that place


we want in ourselves always

caught in a dying light


just as we might be almost

upon its movement


there is scarcely time

to step back


throbbing, missing, knowing

you have cut and been cut


struggling as a boxer

struggles for consciousness,


not thinking of weight

or vision, but the simple


shades:  light, darkness,

memory.




covenant.


 


there is a mountain that cuts you


when you climb it


 


a tearing world


to strip our desires to the quick


 


and plant our hearts in open space:


it is only here they root and grow.


 


no other ground is watered


with such wounds,


 


yet none


has such soil and such sky




in the vein.


 


your absence hisses


  in my mouth


a stone on the lips.


 


   you’ve seeped out of me, an intoxication


of memory, bitter as the peel of an orange,


sharp as a curl of cinnamon skin,


   I know it like a poison


in the vein


 


  it moves through me, this


missing of you, a slow shudder


  something distant and


unknowable comes close,


  underground, where I post no sentries,


keep no code-breakers,


  where I am blind.


 


   in the morning you


have moved darker through


   me, and I know all


that I can
bring into this room


  is not enough       


to fill it.       




 



 



this season


 


 


this season, the poets


clutter up the doorways


 


dry, cracked and worn,


scuttering and curling.


 


it is an old place


I've come to, somewhere expiring


 


out its thick cold air, holding


what little it has left in a


 


watercolor blur: vague folds of earth,


writhing trees, tendoning these clouds.


 


the end


creeps into my building


 


lightly, skipping along the hallway


missing every other brick.


 




new year.


 


Rosh Hashanah comes


  this year


on a day of cool wind,


 


a breathtaking


portent of winter


 


taking the world, rude lover


  tossing


the sheets away.


 


in autumn


the sadness of all things


 


is greatest


  for now


the world was created.


 


the new fruit, shot through


with decay:


 


birthed in the same


   moment,


the racing seed


    and the worm.


 


 





window.                                                           (the dream of my wife I)


seeing a small woman,


in bride white


running strangely


across the parking lot


then looking back to the


room where you were


talking and afterwards she


was only a moth dragging


slowly across the misty window.




standing.                                                         (the dream of my wife II)


when my second wife went


mad, she said nothing


and I did not know her


madness until we had been


married for many years


and all the accumulated


stuff of life had grown


up around us like some


tendrilous plant entangling


the feelings of my self


with her silence. I did


not want to leave, but


eventually I was saying


nothing also and the sky


is empty in this dream.


I stand among pilings


of dusty possessions holding


up a cloudy dock and my


eyes sail far into


the sky, leaving me.





moving.                                                           (the dream of my wife III)


when I woke, I was


alone.  alone: I did


not have any wives


and I walked quiet


through a house of stone


and wood and scent


and felt my self move


within my body and knew


the curving of my belly


and the touching of my


feet. and when a


storm came to love


me I would turn


away from its caresses


and feel my


self waking slow,


a long still dream.





long time.                                                                    (the dream of my wife IV)


I have no fourth wife.


such a thing would be absurd.


I am not mad.  and yet,


I wonder to have known


babies born from human


mothers and eyes straining


after words and water


dripping from a corner.


there is a shadow stripping


paint from my white wall


and there are dust motes lifted


by the waiting air.





waking in time.                                                              
Why do you lie?                                  


The truth lies like nothing else                  


     and I love the truth.      -- Mark Strand


time, compresses into itself


when I am not looking


when I turn away, when I am not aware


a shy lover, hiding its pleasures


I wake in the small hours that are left


alone with traces of what came before


the long, loquacious lengths of time


hours of evening, gone to me.


my head throbs with violence and


a beautiful pain, as if it has been cauterized


by the angry slumber of revelry and drink.


even the turning of my neck to watch her


darker breathing beside me brings memory:


laughter, lies, pain and a wrenching in my gut


the death that always follows, the retribution


for splashing so freely through desire and oblivion.


the small, thin, wasted hours now


moments crowd beside each other like dry sponges.


I step out into the black emptiness


and think of love and truth and beauty and


how we move around each other in a quiet place.


how many hours of silence must we have for one


moment to fill itself full, and be remembered?


the space under the trees where I stood in delight


is under pale stars now and the flat swells of shade.


it is quiet and what was told there?


 


through time waning paper-thin, my feet


move to the kitchen in a whisper.


the drink is a hush on the throat.


I lie down again and feel


my lungs filling slowly with water or with wine,


my eyes filling with that second death to come.  





rite


when Dionysus


found his lover's body in the woods


shattered, bludgeoned, broken


the air shivering against its skin


lips parted in a long forgotten kiss


he planted a vine


in the boy's fresh corpse


the tendrilous roots embracing


spine and heart and spleen,


a vine coming of blood and beauty,


carrying a little death away


in its sweet fruit,


the taste with me now


rotten aftertaste of pleasure,


it shakes through my flesh


in the early morning dark.


did mortality come to the god then,


the first glimpse of ocean


in all directions


from a rocking boat,


a stillness impregnable?






trees have faces

                                                                    


 


William Butler


                         Yeats


              wrote to


Maud Gynne


 


she wrote back


her dreams


 


waking to a racing moon


above the still midnight clouds,


 


   she told


him


    thinking of love


 


that he had been


would always be


 


the great serpent


   Cernunnos


     circling round the world


         mystery


      in his womb


         screaming beauty on his honey tongue


as


   she became part of him


at last


 


unspeakable


    till Freud talked


            tobacco-stained Viennese sermons


no druids on mountaintops here


       but old Jung, awake,


                        scratching lurid symbols


 


my blood


 still


     believes


the trees have faces


  and


    wine is full


of lost demons.


 


beware,


  the ghost of the collective unconscious stalks about


seeking whom it may devour.





prosperina elopes.                                                                 
(Demeter’s Daughter is Gone)


she glimpsed


as the dark broke


she heard, out at the end, how


the language would burn


and cover with frost


before the lid went on


again


thus day


crept out


on brinks and borders:


 


and that other –


the one first cousin to Cerberus –

night,


left crown and cross


behind, eloped for her:


 


of course


we wouldn’t stand for it


we made dusk


dawn too,


traitors, manning the traps


 


the fugitives evaded all


on foot, no doubt


she with the faint asphodel


like ash across her hair


and he, night carrying a face


streaked and stippled


as by strange bright tears.


 


yet we knew


when first


those virgin cheeks tasted


sick sorrow


the worm would turn,



and


eventually


they’d plea-bargain


he


would not want


day


after all,


to know of


the steaming pits


the horror


that wait


for night to return


to his labors,


would he?


damn the gods –


he’s got to come back –


(the dead are piling up at Acheron


worse than a subway


at rush hour)


so


we placed


notices,


like eyes pressed full


flat on every shoddy window from St. Petersburg


to new postmodern


hovels (prefab) on the banks of Lethe, saying


they'd get LIFE, when we took


them.


but


that was long


ago:  as far


            as i know


they are still


running, he and she


splashing over


broken boundaries


even now.




divination.



 


the sign of ending in


each grain of flour, each star, each leaf of tea,



 


and in the streaks of blood, the number of bodies lying wet without.



 


the sign of what we had left behind, willingly.


the sign of the loss of all things.



 


the sign of a woman crying


and laughing and flinging her arms out



 


birds flying in patterns overhead


and leaves against a wall, still.



 


the sign of regret and of redemption.


touching our days like


honey filling an intricate comb,


drop by drop by drop. 



 


the sign of time, vast brushstroke


coming across a watercolor world.



 


the sign of what I have forgotten, unwillingly. 


the sign, blank, of a place I have never seen


and never will see before death. 



 


the sign of a rowboat, and a fool. 


the sign of a storm breaking, hurricane, winds, lashing rain.


in the eye of that terror, someone rowing ever onward,


untouched by striking lines and sheets of rain, unknowing, safe.



 


the sign of giving.


the sign of taking away. 



 


the sign of the world disappearing, winking out atom by atom


so that the children's blocks in the corner disappear one by one


unnoticed until half the ball is gone and then the other half, and then


a piece of my leg and part of a lamp, a word from a letter, whole; 


the last page of a good novel, the middle of a tie, the branch of a tree, and


three-quarters of the squirrel still running along the wire, oblivious;


a glass of milk and, like snapping dirt off the end of a moving curtain,


a third of a flock of milling birds, rising in flight, unchanged by their loss.



 


the sign of a stammering man. 


the sign of laughter, and candles being lit. 


the scent of a meal simmering over a slow fire.    


the sign of a child falling into a father's arms.


the sign of beginning.  




 




finally.


finally there are


very windy days


when almost every


piece of strength


is cast in doubt and


turned against you


but no despair


that came


first, a weight


undeniable


squalling child


hanging always


from your throat


out of you


sustained by you


overwhelming in coercion


in between, a few months


one knows life forever


rain rattles and stutters 


softer in cadence and


you cannot know


(should not) that


this measure will ever


be turned against you. 



 


 



 




Acknowledgments:


         Many thanks to the Reader's Edge Bookshop Poetry Readings in Montrose, California, for renewed inspiration.  The listenings,   readings, and encouragement of


Tim Parker, Chris McGrath and Charles McCrone were also invaluable.                              

Thanks also to Jamie O'Halloran, of the ChupaRosa Poets, for her poem


"Lullaby," and the Rich epigraph, and to Bruce Beasley for his inspiring example.


 



 




Author:




About the Author:



 



 

Ned Hayes lived bilingually, in the Republic of China, for the first ten years of his life.  He has since lived in Ogallala, Nebraska; Pasadena, California; Spokane, Washington; Wallace, Idaho; Seattle, Washington and Olympia, Washington. Much of his Chinese is now forgotten.


 



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Reaching Me: Ned Hayes · Seattle WA · 206.321.7981 · ned AT nednotes.com